I sit on the train and it is raining. I like the sound, it comforts me.
The train is warm and I am satisfied. What passes by outside is
familiar. The trees, the houses, the streets are somehow reassuring.
The people around me look interesting. I spy on them by looking at
their reflections in the window. I feel a strange, unreasonable
closeness to all of them because we are on the same train, somehow
joined together because we are all going somewhere.This is a good day.
On a bad day, the rain clouds seem ominous, the train is overheated, it
feels claustrophobic. Everything outside looks exactly the same as
yesterday and it depresses me. I don’t want to look at anyone, the
tiredness in the faces makes me sad, it is frustrating. I feel alone
although there is someone sitting right next to me and I just want to
On a good day, I don’t think about how strange it is that I can’t
maintain one feeling over a long period of time but on a bad day I wish
I knew how to. I am not expecting every day to be a good day, but I
would like to have more controll. And I am trying.
When I am too excited, I tell myself to calm down. When I am angry, I
force myself to think rationally and when I am upset I tell myself to
be more positive. It feels like I am trying to discipline my mind,
always pushing it back to the right place.
I am training my mind all the time but it seems to do what it likes. It
probably thinks it is exciting to have a whole emotional spectrum to
Secretly, I think it is my minds way of rebelling when I poke it around too much.