The Official Nicest Street in the World Ever 2007 ©
Ginger vs the G8 (part 2)
There were two options. Both led to definitely-more-than-mildly-
irritating-but-not-quite-terrible-pain-and-suffering. Above Bob the sky
swarmed with helicopters, in front of Bob stood a line of heavily armed
thugs. A decision had to be reached fast. The two options see-sawed in
suffering number1 or definitely-more-than-mildly-irritating-but-not-
quite-terrible-pain-and-suffering number 2?
suffering Number 1: the slow reddening and subsequent burning of the
skin covering the neck, face and arms. Sunburn top the common man.
suffering number 2: stinging, scratching and blotching brought on by the
pepper spray, sprayed by the Police in Germany (P.I.G.) and aggravated
by the sun-cream needed to protect Bob from the sunburn.
To sun-cream, or not to sun-cream?!?: Sunburn or sun-cream induced burning skin? Ignoring the warning shouts of the beautifully smelly people around him Bob lathered himself in the factor 20, the image of peeling Ginger skin on childhood holidays lodged in his mind….. Bob was grateful his skin had stayed a healthy shade of milk bottle white as he ‘bedded’ down for the night on a road covered in recently uprooted reeds, on The Official Nicest Street in the World Ever 2007 © on one of the blockades of the G8 summit, Heilngrad this June.
There are Crimes and then there are Crimes Against Humanity
Bob woke up on The Official Nicest Street in the World Ever 2007 © covered only in a disintegrated sleeping bag and the scorn of his missus’ Bianca. Bianca, or as she was known in ultra-nationalist circles: Chairperson of the Very Small People for a Very Big Hungary was ready to inflict Definitely-more-than-mildly-irritating-and-getting-very-close-to-terrible-
pain-and-suffering numbers 1,2 and 3 on Bob for stealing all of the ‘bed covers’ in his sleep.
Bianca had not minded being chased through the fields of north Eastern Germany by thousands of blood-thirsty P.I.G.’s, she’d not been too bothered at the lack of amenities which meant not being able to change her knickers for 5½ days straight, she’d not batted an eyelid at having to sleep in a street in the middle of nowhere surrounded by hundreds of people in medical need of a bath whilst being watched by hundreds of P.I.G.’s who liked nothing more than hitting people who were in medical need of a bath with big sticks – but, as anyone in a relationship knows, stealing the bed covers whilst sleeping is an unforgivable crime, and this is what had made Bianca angry.
Less than 10 km away in the once tranquil seaside town of Heilingrad, the annual get together of the world’s most renowned criminals was taking place. They were in discussions about how to steal more from the Africans, which Muslims to kill next and how to erode democracy without people noticing so much, but Bianca was angry about the bed covers. Bob had to admit that that bed cover theft was pretty bad, but when they were so close to so many people who were slowly raping the world for all its worth, the selfish hogging of a well past its date sleeping bag wasn’t on his mind. Soggy cheese sandwiches were.
Why did hundreds of people in medical need of a bath block the road?
The morning before the road blockade had started with a BIG LIE, a BIG LIE which everybody knew about. Permission had been granted by the P.I.G.’s to hold a rally some miles from the steel fence which had been erected to protect the people who lead the world from the people who live in it – and everybody knew what would follow.
The 5 separate groups (or fingers) each of a few hundred people had all aligned themselves to a different colour flag, which were carried by 5 different people. These fingers then proceeded to leave the sanctioned rally area and weave their way, in five different directions following their flag, towards the chosen road. When they were blocked by police, they fanned out into a long line and walked towards the P.I.G.’s with their arms held above their heads. Bob and Bianca saw no violence from the protesters. Within the main body of protesters there were smaller “affinity groups”. Bob and Bianca were part of the best looking affinity group: Team Crossword. Other stupidly named affinity groups were constantly calling out each others names to make sure no-one was lost, consequently above the drone of the PIG helicopters you could here “Aliens” “Bum-Cheeks” and “Crossword”.
As the day wore on, the sun beat down and the protesters slowly edged towards their goal as time and time again the police could not hold their lines; finally one of the three roads which had to be taken was in sight. 3 of the 5 fingers arrived at the same time and spread out quickly in both directions, the police attempted to do likewise, but their numbers were too small. A 4th finger could be seen advancing over the hill in the distance. The sight was beautiful, exciting and a little smelly. The line moved towards the police, the police threw the big and stupid protesters like Bob back into the field, whilst the small and intelligent ones like Bianca slipped under their gaze and made it to street. Eventually they all made it, fierce battles were being fought on the other two roads and there was real hope the summit could be disrupted.
“We have to stop all traffic in and out of the summit,” shouted a Honza once the group had made it to the road, “they are meeting in secret and taking decisions which effect everyone of us. It isn’t democracy. They have no right to rule the world from behind closed doors.” The P.I.G.’s, as the official defenders of the law, stared at Honza, unimpressed that he dare question his leaders in a democratic society. Bob was trying to make the best of his day-old soggy cheese sandwich whilst Bianca was telling him that “there is a strong linkage between how the structures of neo-liberalism mean that there will be a self-replicating need for exploitation induced poverty AND how the structures of sleeping habits might lead to self replicating bedsheet-less nights and pain induced sofa sleeping for Bob.” Bob looked enlightened, “its so hot the sandwich has basically become a Cheese Toasty: brilliant.” He replied. The next 12 hours continued in a familiar fashion, until everyone (bar the freezing Bianca) fell to sleep.
But Why Was It The Official Nicest Street in the World 2007 ©?
Most people, Bob mused in the morning whilst finishing off his soggy cheese sandwich, would have reacted differently than the inhabitants of The Official Nicest Street in the World Ever 2007 © in the same situation. When they looked out of their window that Wednesday afternoon, they might have had a little shock. First there were the large armed uneducated violent mob, who’d turned up in police riot vans, with helicopters and pepper spray guns. Then, there were the slightly smelly and scruffy looking crowd of protesters who decided to stop outside your front door and sing songs about how they want the world to be a nicer place: with less wars, less poverty and less soggy cheese sandwiches. Some might have run, others might have formed a vigilante mob to drive them from their street, but not these friendly Germans.
– they provided unlimited water from their taps for the protesters, after the police sealed off a tap on a building site
– produced scores of blankets to cover the protesters in their sleep.
– spoke with the farmers to ensure that there was no problem with the small damage to the crops on their land (the farmers said it wouldn’t have happened if the protest had been allowed and they would ask for some money from Ms Merkel)
– made 33378476283764837 cups of coffee in the morning (number is an estimate)
And in doing so have been bestowed with the official Bob and Official Nicest Street in the World Ever (2007). The summit however took place, expect more poor brown people to die soon.
Text and drawings by sinisterpenguin