How do I integrate myself well?

Translation: Lina Wöhrling, Edinburgh

Guys don’t integrate as easily as women do – this is why the following examples are specifically aimed at the dumber sex.

First bimbo-rule for a natural development of sexual potency

You are an animal. You have testosterone in your veins. Place yourself in front of the mirror and roar – at your reflection. Whether shirt, sweater or string vest – your black (if not black MUST be dyed!) chest hair must frizz out of your neckline.

Drench your hair with half a glass of sugar water and trace a concrete left-side-parting. You wear high-heeled ankle-boots. Your white flared trousers stretch package as you walk. Important: the bright red briefs must show through. Fake rolex on the left wrist, a small man-handbag dangles from the right. Lots of gold.

Small finger of the right hand loaded with a ring, which you spread while talking loudly, just like you do when drinking mocca – always. Call women ‘doll’ – you owe that to your coolness.

Second bimbo-rule for roaring communication

You get yourself noticed when you follow the hackbeat of your heart and walk down the street in long rhythmic strides. You’re a hero, always ‘here + now’; whoever overtakes you on the sidewalk gets punched in the face. Whoever honks at you gets yanked out of the car and beaten up.

A rock-hard Super-Penetrator f*cks away whatever gets in his way. Stop! Don’t put your hand in front of your mouth when you’re yawning – show your predator’s canines. If a hot mama asks you for the time, say: “Doll, I’ll show you the time”. Twitch the corners of your mouth. Sniff up disgustingly and swallow the snot noisily.

If the girl doesn’t react, say: “Doll, I can’t wait forever”. If she turns on her heels, shaking her head, shout after her: “Doll, you’re leaving the love of your life. f*ck yourself!”


Picture: Melanie Grande

Feridun Zaimoglu – this man should know about „integration“. The writer, journalist and scriptwriter is a laureate of the highly acclaimed price of the jury of „Klagenfurter Literaturtage“ in 2003. He holds lectures at universities (i.e. at the Free University in Berlin). He is of turkish origin and quite often serves as a showpiece for the well-adapted foreigner, though he doesn’t feel like that.

On September 11th, at 8 p.m. Feridun Zaimoglu is reading from his latest book “Zwölf Gramm Glück” (Verlag Kiepenheuer & Witsch) at Kolimbo, Senftlstr. 9, Munich.

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