Our staff won’t accept any excuses is written everywhere, on
every platform, inside the tubes, next to schedules, on the back of the
tickets. You shouldn’t ignore this if you aren’t absolutely keen to be
officially branded as a criminal. And you know all the stories about
Underground passengers who disappeared, and others about poor devils
living inside the Underground system. No one really knows what happens
when those wall-like doors close behind a passenger caught by the
BVG-inspectors. So, if you still want to use the subway for free, you
should be prepared. It is like in real life, the professionals have the
best chances. You can’t go about this in an idealistic or trustful way
– forget it – prepare yourself.
You will soon see that the
"Blue-shirts" are professionals, they are trained to get you, trained
to became one with this weird-looking seat cover material, to negotiate
hard and to stay heartless. But you can do it if you work hard, know
your territory well and develop the right attitude. Habituation
Begin by getting used to subway stations. Enter them with an invalid
ticket or without a ticket. Don’t ask too much of yourself at first,
stay cool and look around you. If you start to feel signs of
discomfort, nausea or pneumonia, let alone cardiac arrest, stop at once
and leave the station immediately.
Or obtain a valid ticket. Once
you’ve got used to feeling safe and comfortable in these environs
without a ticket, then you can start with your first journeys. Travel
short distances only, perhaps even accompanied by someone who is
carrying a second ticket. Behave just like you always did, take a good
position and begin to observe your environment. Do not read books while
travelling. Leave the book at home.
The first step is the Underground. Travel in the front compartment, so
you can check every platform as you pass by it. It is not hard to be
successful because all Inspectors have to wear a uniform. You just have
to spot them and stay out of their way.
Stay calm if you spot some. First you have to know how many they are.
If less then eight, they will probably board and check the subway car.
Next station they’ll get out again and will take care of the poor guy
they were able to catch. Should there be no one suspicious, they’ll
switch carriages, moving one carriage up the train. So, there is no
danger at all for you in the first compartment, don’t panic and don’t
leave the train – I mean, you want to get from A to B, and that’s a
If you get out now and take the following train, those guys might catch
someone, leave the train, take care of him, and then take the one you
are now in.
So stay in, just make sure you know where they are. When
they seem to be boarding the carriage next to yours, get out. Don’t
run, just leave. Look up, don’t veer to the right and left in panic:
think instead of all the taxes you’ve already paid and concentrate on
the things you want to do now. It is different with bigger groups of
uniformed people. Like every species in uniform, they do tend to move
in packs. If you see more than eight, especially when they are
accompanied by regular police, then you can be sure they want to shut
down the whole station and check everyone. Never, never leave the train
in such a situation, even if some of them are taking steps towards your
train or compartment: don’t let them fool you, it’s a trick, practiced
everyday, to catch everyone who doubts themselves or makes a mistake.
Stay where you are even if one of them comes in: ask the intruder
something, let him explain you the way to another station, relax, and
do not hyperventilate. Remember, they never search alone. If you
already made the mistake and jumped out, it’ll be difficult to get out
of there. You will find yourself in front of a green-blue wall that is
just waiting for someone like you. Look around discreetly, not
suspiciously, a little confused, perhaps there is a hole, a way
through. If not, do what they want you to do, don’t play the hero.
2. The S-Bahn
Train your observation skills in everyday situations. Look at faces,
hands, clothing, and shoes: it will be of great help one day. Try to
guess the professions of your neighbours, the guy in front of you:
chief accountant on his way home, or a well dressed ticket-inspector?
The young lady over there: is she dangerous or harmless? Register
everything, collect data and analyse. Scan persons and compare what you
see with what you know. It is useful to read some detective novels and
to study police terrorist pictures. It is absolutely necessary to
detect potential BVG-agents from details, tiny pieces that turn into a
clear picture, hair colour, clothing accessories, the size of the
earlobes – watch carefully. Give your inherited paranoia free rein, get
back to basics: there is something deep within you buried under all
those waterbeds, diet drinks, electric furniture and life-style
You need a clear relationship – separate yourself from the
others and see them as they are: dangerous, invisible and everywhere. /
You are alone, like in the beginning when everything started; no one
will help you, give you a hint or hide you. Be aware. You will lose
more than money, you know this, the frontline is here – not far away.
When travelling by S-Bahn, it’s also best to use the front carriage.
Keep near to the last door so you can change cars quickly, if
necessary. The people you need to look out for are male, from
thirty-five to fifty, and of German nationality. They have often
old-fashioned haircuts, moustaches or big earrings. Most of the civil
force has no luggage at all, functional clothing and a bored looking
You need to scan everyone who enters: youths and
grannies are harmless, as well as those with plenty of bags, and
foreign-looking people. Groups of woman are not suspicious either, but
take care when spotting a blonde-haired lady and two men of the same
age. After some time, you will develop a kind of professional
intuition, you will feel things, see more clearly and hear things you
could never hear before. Remember to check your environment, register
every detail, every tiny bit. Perhaps you will become lazy after a
while, don’t trust these feelings, fight back. It is just another trick
to get you, like habits, developed to mislead. Be hard to yourself,
work on your perception – it may take years, but you will get to a
point, an end, a special situation in which you will see them: straight
in front of you, bright and clear.